My life going no where.

I feel like such a fool.
I never cry.
Never.
But during fourth period,
I went to take my usual break and see S.S and M.U
A.J came out a bit later
and we could of had a good 40 minutes togeather before we had to go back to class.
But no.
He just continued talking to S.S.
Dude forgot I was there.
And I REALLY got to thinking.
They have SO much in common.
Why the hell is he dating me?
Some stupid girl that can’t even hold back tears?

So we left with only 15 minutes left in the period,
He took me outside, but I was like it was too cold and too many people.
Then he made me promise we would go back to class only if I would give him a kiss goodbye for the rest of the year.
And I was hesitant, only because I was upset. But I said okay. And we just kissed there and went back to class. As soon as we got to class, he went to his friends and I went to the desk and took out my ipod and book to read. I don’t know, I felt kinda used, and stupid. A.J and S.S can have conversations but its like I’m only there for A.J to make out with.

We have next period togeather, so we went to class. And I guess he finally noticed I was upset because he said I looked a bit sad today. And thats when I started tearing up. My eyes got waterly, my face red and my nose started running. S.S is also in that class. She told A.J that I was angry at him but didn’t know why (I told her that in 3rd period class, but I thought she could keep her mouth shut. I thought wrong) and he looked taken back. We were watching a move that period.

And he wrote a note saying if I needed to cry, go to the washroom and blah blah. I told him nothing was wrong. For the whole period, he kept on looking back at me to see if it was alright. And S.S said if I didn’t want her me and A.J to be friends anymore. But I told her it wasn’t upset because of them! But I was lying. Its not that I don’t want them to be friends, I want A.J to just acknowledge me.

At the end of the period. S.S knew I was upset, but she stepped in between me and A.J and started talking to him. When we were walking back to our lockers, she was still inbetween us. It wasn’t until I started walking slower, A.J slowed down and caught my hand.

UGH.

When we got to my locker, A.J stood there and asked me what was wrong, and I said he should get his stuff before his bus leaves. He said that didn’t matter, but he went anyways. And when he came back to get me, he took me aside for so I could explain to him what was wrong. But I kept reminding him that he was going to miss his bus, and nothing was wrong! But I told him I would tell him later, and he left.

He sent me a text after saying he never wants to see me sad.
Haha.

If he really didn’t want to see me upset, he would call me. But he hasn’t.
Does he even care?

Maybe I’m being stupid.
Most likely I am acting stupid.
I AM STUPID.

Faahhhk.
I feel upset.
Angry.
Dissappointed.
Hurt.
Hurt.

I care about him.
I really do.
But I’m started to think that I’m all for show.
Just an experience.
And nothing more.

He doesn’t call.
He never calls.
The only conversation we had on the phone was 9 minutes long.
He’s always the first to leave whenever we’re on msn.
Because he has homework.
And I get that. I really do.
But what about weekends?
On friday nights?

I feel so unappreciated.
Does he even feel the way I do?
He says he’s in love.
But it’s probably because I’m his first girlfriend.
His first kiss.
It’s something you want to hold onto.

I don’t want to get angry at him.
Because he’s a great guy.
And he’s focused.
I don’t want to distract him.
But I feel like he’s not even trying.
Not a bit.
And it hurts.
It really hurts.

Why do I keep lying to myself?
You think I could stop
If I knew how
Can someone teach me?
I’m not sure
Cuz I’ve discovered
that nobody can get close
I’d say I was a rose with thorns
But I’m more a thistle
Not that great to look at
and a bother to all
I’m sorry I’ve lied
And its too late to take it back
It’s just so much easier
than saying whats really on my mind
One day I’ll tell you the truth
One day I’ll let you go
If learn to be unselfish

So I said it back.
and now you ask
if i regret?
and i reply
i did
but now i don’t
because I found
that i can have room
for one more
in my heart

OH my.
what have I done
You’re perfect and more
Every girls dream
But for some reason I can’t
Make myself feel
what you feel for me
and though I do try
I think of you all the time
My Heart doesn’t beat
the way everyone describes it to be.
Maybe in time,
I’ll Get things right.
So please don’t leave,
I still need you here with me.

Do I love you?
I’m not sure.
You confused me.
When you said it first.
After two weeks.
After four months.
Would it make a difference, if we met before?